SPD: Own it.

This is me, 24 years old, mommy of 2. And this is my new walking cane.

I have two beautiful, sweet little boys that I love more than anything in the whole wide world. They are 17 months apart. They have my heart. I will forever be grateful for the enormous blessing it is to be their mother.

Pregnancy gave me a condition called Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction, aka Pelvic Girdle Pain. Google it if you're interested. It was very mild when I was pregnant with Carson. I actually didn't feel any effects of it until right after he was born, and it healed very quickly. This last pregnancy was a different story.

When I was 32 weeks along, I was walking down the hall when I suddenly fell to the floor in pain. I sat there for a while, thinking it must have been a weird fluke. I got up and walked toward Brock, and it happened again. He caught me, and I started to cry. He helped me to my bed, where I began to explain everything to him. I had felt a mild pain in that area for a few weeks prior... enough to bother me, but not enough for me to make a stink about it. I brushed it off as some weird pregnancy pain (there are lots of those), and didn't think much of it. But this was different. This was real pain. I stayed in bed the rest of that day, hoping rest would fix the problem.

The next morning was a Sunday, and I had a lesson planned for my little Primary class. When my toddler woke up, I got out of bed and carried him to the kitchen to make him a bottle. Standard morning routine. By the time the bottle was made, the pain was back in full swing. I gave my baby a blanket and limped into the bedroom to wake my husband. I started to cry again as the fear sank in- what if this pain doesn't go away? I said to Brock, "I can't just go two months without being able to walk. I have a toddler to take care of, for goodness' sake!"

But, we were sure that wouldn't be the case. We were sure another day of resting would fix it and I'd be just fine.

Another day went by and I was not getting better. Time to do research. Time to talk to the doctor. Time to fix it. Well, we found out what it was. Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction, or, Pelvic Girdle Pain. The best advice anyone had was Tylenol, a maternity support belt, and waiting till baby was born. None of that was very helpful for the time being, but at least this pain had an expiration date. I would have my beautiful baby, and I would get better. Everything I read, everyone I talked to, said it would go away when the baby was born. That was my ray of hope. I could make it. I counted down every day. I wasn't allowed to lift my child. I couldn't walk. I was confined to the couch. And I would hobble painfully around the house to get to the bathroom or get food for Carson and myself. People were so generous, and we were taken care of. Counting down till baby was born. We would make it through.

And we did! We made it! Sweet, perfect little Gordon was born, 1 1/2 weeks early. All the pain was so worth it- none of it mattered. I had my beautiful baby in my arms, and I was finally going to get better. And I did! A couple weeks after giving birth, I was walking again. It was such a wonderful, freeing feeling. I was SO happy. I was able to lift both of my children. I took them on walks every day. Life was great.

When Gordon was 4 weeks old, I was out on a walk with my boys, and the pain started to come back. I knew I needed to get back home and rest. I was so scared. I made it back, and I was okay, but I started to be more careful. I stopped going on walks, and then I was capable of doing everything else just fine.

At my 6 week follow up appointment, I told my doctor everything. I told him I was significantly better, but that the pain still came if I walked or cleaned the house too much. He told me I needed to rest more. I needed more time to heal.

Now I dare you to stay home with two babies and rest your pelvis. Especially when you're feeling, for the most part, just fine. Well, I didn't rest. I pushed my limits every day. When I got sore, I'd sit down. I wasn't that stupid. But, pushing it to the point of soreness every day was not going to let it heal. No one knew I was still having struggles. I didn't want anyone to know. I thought I could pretend to be fine and eventually it would be true, and no one would need to feel sorry for me. I was frustrated that the pain didn't go away like it was supposed to. I was frustrated watching other women have babies and then be working out, getting in shape, and taking their kids to the park. I wanted that so bad. So I tested my limits every day, hoping each day was the day the pain wouldn't come back. And I did think it was getting better, slowly.

But, over this past weekend, I pushed it too far. I was cleaning the kitchen, and my body fought back. I leaned against the counter in disbelief. I couldn't walk. I couldn't take one step. I fought against my pride, and finally called out to Brock. He helped me to the bedroom. Then came the anxiety attack. A real one, like I hadn't had in years. Anger, frustration, fear, and PAIN. No. NO. Why?!?!  I stayed in bed the rest of the day, trying to find the emotional strength to be positive. Failing.

The next day was Gordon's blessing day. It was a marvelous day. Our family was there and so wonderful. I couldn't walk. It was time people knew that I did not, in fact, heal. Like I was supposed to. Like I pretended I did. People were so loving. It's time to swallow my pride. My doctor referred me to a physiatrist, and I've got an appointment tomorrow. They said it's treatable, and with some intense therapy, I'll get better. In the mean time, rest is helping, and, here is my cane! I hobble around my house, taking care of my babies, and resting the best I can.

I've learned a new level of compassion for others, because you never know when someone is going through something. I've learned that we all have to have a turn needing help. I've learned that we're never alone. And I've learned that it's okay to lower your expectations for yourself in order to be content with what you're able to do. I guess it's my turn to be tried, humbled, and taught patience. And I'm okay with it, because I have also been bounteously blessed. I have two beautiful, healthy little boys, and they are so beyond worth it.

The Lord has blessed me with the strength I need to take care of my little ones. As long as I'm able to do that, I'm okay. I can be happy. They are little angels and they bring me so much joy. The Lord has also blessed me with an amazing husband who is my saving grace. He picks up my slack around the house. He's the most incredible person I know. So this is me, giving up my pride. Owning my condition instead of hiding it. Trusting the Lord that one day I'll be able to walk well, and play with my little boys. In the mean time, I will do my best to stay happy. For my boys, for my husband, and for myself. After all, why are we here except to conquer trials, grow stronger, and find happiness? So I'm gonna do that. Cane and all. Watch me conquer! :)

Happy New Year 2013!

2012 was sure a whirlwind!  It was one of the hardest years of my life, but also the most wonderful.  Funny how that works :)  Here are the highlights!

January:

- Met our nephew, Ben, for the first time!

February:

- Our fun Valentine's Day celebrations!  Gaucho Grill, Beauty & the Beast, and an at home date with Papa Murphy's pizza!

March:

- Bought our truck, Brutus!
- Found out we were pregnant!!!

April:

- Went to Colorado and through the temple for Cam's first time!

May:

- We threw a Cinco de Mayo party!
- A song I wrote was performed by Sky View High School Choir
- We had to cancel all of our Anniversary plans because of my morning sickness... which landed me in the ER.  Fun :)

 

June:

- I was in bed for most of June, but we did have the Taylors come and we all said bye to Cam as he left on his mission!

July:

- 4th of July in Paris!  (Idaho)
- Fun with the Faerbers at Snowbird!
- We found out our baby is a boy!

August:

- The month full of Birthday fun!  Aggie pre-season game, dates and lots of food, Famous Dave's with the Thompsons, and Colorado with the Taylors.  Happy Birthday to us!

September:

- The Aggies beat the Utes!!!!  And the Thompsons came to cheer with us!
- Jesi and my best girl friends had a baby shower for me :)

 

October:

- Jake got home from his mission!
- Halloween fun!  Logan Pumpkin Walk, and a party with the Thompsons!  We were Pac Man  :)
- My family baby shower was so wonderful!

- November:

- I had my final voice/piano recital before most of my students were done.
- The Taylors came to celebrate Thanksgiving in Logan!
- Right after we went and cheered as the Aggies were awarded the WAC championship trophy, Carson Brock Taylor was born 11/25/12!!!! The most incredible day of my life :)

December:

- Heather got home from her mission!  We got to see her on her layover at the airport in Salt Lake!
- We spent Christmas with the Thompson family in Salt Lake.  It was wonderful.

We brought in the New Year with a relaxed, fun celebration with just us three at home.  Pigs in a blanket, Martinelli's while making resolutions, and of course, a Mt Dew drinking game!!

So all in all, it was a great year full of ups and downs but ending with a bang!  We are so happy!  Happy New Year everybody!  Here's to a great 2013! :)

Faith Alone is Enough

A few days ago, there was a shooting at an elementary school. 20 children and 6 adults were killed. Absolutely horrific. As the days have passed, I have pondered a lot about this incident. I cried, I held my baby even tighter, I felt the fear of raising him in such a broken world... And I know others are pondering on this day as well. Many people may wonder why a loving Heavenly Father would allow such a tragedy to occur. It is an easy thought to have when something so cruel and unfair happens.

My thoughts about that question are these. We were sent here to this life to be tested. How can we prove ourselves if we never have an opportunity to exercise our faith? How can we serve others if no one ever needs help? How can we learn optimism and gratitude if we never experience loss?

So then some may ask, if trials are necessary in life, why are some people's lives so much harder than others? This is a question I myself have pondered many times. I get the adversity thing, and the need to exercise our agency. But it does seem like some have been dealt a much worse hand than others. Then I remembered how uniquely individual we all are. So our trials must be cut out according to that uniqueness. It would hardly be fair to give us all the same test when we all have different traits to build and different qualities to prove. And it would hardly be a test of faith if everyone else went through the exact same thing. The point is for us to build a personal relationship with God - our own testimony based on our unique experiences in this life - and to choose for ourselves how to respond to the trials we face.

My comfort in times like this is to remember that there is so much good in the world amidst all of the evil. At Christmas time especially, we see people's desires to serve come out. Families are breaking, but they are also being created. People are hurting, but so many are also being comforted and loved. Lives are being destroyed, but so many others are building their talents and having adventures. There is evil in the world, but we must not let that dismiss from our minds the fact that there is also good.

I know my logic is not enough to satisfy some people who are discouraged by this event (or others like it), and that is okay. I do not have all of the answers.  My purpose in writing this entry is that this logic is enough for me. I have accepted that my mortal brain cannot comprehend all of the mysteries of Heaven, and I will never fully understand Heavenly Father's plan while I am here. But I do fully understand that He knows his plan, and his plan is perfect. So in times when logic falters, and pain is strong, I rely solely on my faith that God lives, he knows each of us, and he loves us. When faith is all we have, we exercise it by accepting that faith alone is enough.

My prayers go out to all those affected by this tragedy in any way.  May you find comfort and peace during this time of hardship.

Carson Brock Taylor

My due date was December 4th, but I had developed some too-high hopes of having the baby by Thanksgiving, so that Scott & Martha (who were in town that week) would be able to meet him. Every night that week, I went to bed slightly put out and upset that I didn't have the baby. Saturday morning, the Taylors headed back to Colorado, and I decided it was time to change my attitude. I was wanting the baby two weeks earlier than he was supposed to come, so it was silly to expect such results. I was reminded of some counsel I had heard to "do whatever we can to be happy NOW, despite your situation." So I changed my attitude and decided to be as happy as possible for the rest of my pregnancy. I took belly pictures, went to the Aggie Football game, relaxed with Brock, and went to bed less upset than I had for the past week and a half. Apparently, that's what Heavenly Father wanted me to learn... Or Carson just wanted me to be able to see the Aggies dominate their final home game ha ha ha :)

 Brock was doing homework Saturday night until about 1:45 AM. Poor kid got NO sleep. One hour later, I felt something that woke me up with a start. I shook Brock's arm and said, "Babe, I don't think I just peed..." He was so groggy and obviously confused by my weird statement, and replied, "What???" And then there was a GUSH!!! And my water broke with full force!!! So I jumped out of bed, and we frantically got things ready, sent texts to the grandparents-to-be, and headed over to the hospital at 3:30 in morning! Pretty sure we left behind a nice trail of amniotic fluid hahaha.

 When we got there, the nurses were thinking it was going to be a loooong day because even though my water was broken, I had not progressed much at all toward active labor. So for a few hours we just relaxed, watched The Office, and monitored the baby as I had contractions. Around 8 AM they put me on an epidural and started pitocin to speed up the labor process... She still predicted he wouldn't be born until between 5 and 9 PM... but, well, the pitocin worked!! I started dilating SUPER fast and about 3 1/2 hours later it was time to start pushing! We did have to be careful because the cord was wrapped around his neck, and with every contraction his heart rate dropped significantly. Thankfully, it would go right back up as soon as the contraction stopped. He was fighting hard! And we were saying many prayers that everything would be okay. Anyway, the nurse predicted a long pushing time since I had the epidural (numb as can be) and it was my first baby. Wrong again! I only pushed for half an hour and the little man was HERE!

 The on-call doctor came straight from Sacrament meeting to deliver Carson. He walked in the room in his suit and tie, ready to go! It was pretty funny. He hurried and put on the cape/gloves/etc. and at 1:06 PM my little man was born!

 He was 7 lb 3 oz, 19.5 inches long, and the most beautiful thing I had ever laid my eyes on. They placed him in my arms and I began sobbing as I held my little miracle close. Straight from heaven... it was the most incredible moment of my life. I am so in love with our son!

 We had a 48 hour stay at the hospital. This gave us some time to get to know our baby and figure out how to take care of him. I hardly ever put him down; it is just the most precious feeling in the world to snuggle with your newborn baby! And the hospital took good care of us, and Tuesday afternoon it was time to head home! We got packed up, and checked out, and once again I was overwhelmed with emotion as I felt the gratitude for my wonderful blessings as we drove home.

 I cannot believe how blessed I am. All the stress, emotions, pain, and tears of the past year became 100% worth it the moment I held my child in my arms. And as we drove home, I fell in love even more with my amazing husband and my incredible baby boy. I was so humbled and overcome with joy. I have the most incredible life and I am so beyond grateful for my many wonderful blessings. I have been a mother for 3 days, and I have loved all of it! I am so so so so blessed!

Halloween: A History

Can you believe we have already had 4 Halloween's as a married couple?  Me neither.  Way too old.  And Halloween time is when it all began for Brock and me.  Our very first date was a Halloween date and it was so fun!  3 years later, he was home and Halloween was the first day we got to see each other after his mission.  That was a very special day.  Here are the pics of all of our glorious Halloween celebrations throughout the years!

Halloween 2005:  Pumpkin Carving date!

Halloween 2008:  Welcome Home!  A marvelous weekend in Colorado and a joyful reunion after 2 long years.

Halloween 2009:   Beauty and the....  Jimmy Neutron....  with Phantom of the Opera and a Cow.  Not our cleverest costume themes hahahaha

Halloween 2010:   Jimi Hendrix and his Guitar.  Booyah.  And then we were joined by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

Halloween 2011:  Scooby Dooby Doo, where are you?

Halloween 2012:  Pac Man!!!

I love our tradition of dressing up with Steph and Jer!  Looking forward to next year and dressing up our cute little boy!  Woohoo!!!  Have fun and be safe trick or treating everybody! :)

Let's think about this.

What would happen if everyone took all of the time, energy, and money they are spending on campaigns, seeking power, bashing politicians, and digging up dirt on others; and instead put that time, energy, and money into supporting our leadership and making a joint effort to improve our nation?

In a perfect world, that is what would happen.  But unfortunately, we live very far from a perfect world.  And there is no "one right answer" to all of our nation's problems.  In fact, there never will be, because in reality, one man's problem is another man's blessing.  It's the circle of life, and it's how the world works.

We have a presidential election coming up, and it is a big deal.  Four years is a long time, and President of the United States is a big position.  I understand how important this time is for our country, but I think people are being ridiculous.

It is a very close race.  There are two candidates, and there are millions of people supporting each of them.  All of these comments about people being "idiots" for even considering supporting one or the other, are false, ignorant, and cruel.  I have my reasons for the candidate that I support, but by no means do I believe that the opposing candidate is "evil" or any other (more harsh) words people are using to describe these men.

Our country is not set up so that one man can rule, reign, or take over.  It just won't happen.  So yes, the president has lots of influence, but he is not by any means all powerful; and any plan he presents will have to go through so many processes with people of differing views before any conclusion will be made as to whether or not the plan can be implemented.

So I do not believe that either candidate is capable of completely destroying or completely saving our country.  Once again, there is no right answer to everything.  But I do believe that whichever man is chosen for office will do his very best to achieve what is, in his mind, the best way to help our country.  And whichever man that is, there are millions of people in the country that stand behind him and support him.

Whatever happens, next month one of these men will become the President of the United States for the next four years.  We all have a choice to make.  We can choose to verbally slaughter our president and be bitter for years that the other man didn't win, or we can choose to respect the other half of the country who is happy with the outcome, and do what we can where we are to personally help make this country a better place.

Please exercise your right to vote.  Please exercise your right to share your opinion.  Please don't disrespect everyone around you because they have some different ideas as to what might help our country.  Everyone has different ideas.  The beauty of America is that everyone comes from a different background, and together our diversity unites us.  Let us stand together as the wonderful nation that we are, respect each other's decisions, and move forward with a resolve to do our part in individually serving our country the best that we know how.

Positive Vibes

So, here's the scoop.  I was having one of those mornings... the emotional kind.  Because, as insanely grateful as I am for this blessing in my life, sometimes Pregnancy is just downright hard!

I am huge.  I am exhausted.  My back hurts.  My head hurts.  My shoulders hurt.  My legs feel weak.  My tummy hurts.  I can never find a comfortable position to be in.  I am soooooooooo hot.  My feet feel like fire.  I am always hungry and ALWAYS thirsty.  I pee all the time.  I cry all the time.  I never have enough energy to get everything done that I want to do.  And I still have FOUR MONTHS LEFT.

So, as grateful and excited as I am, there are days (like today) when I just feel discouraged.  So, I decided to pray for strength and peace.

Almost immediately, I started having positive thoughts pop into my head.  It was like an answer to my prayers reminding me to focus on the positives of life!  I'm calling them my positive vibes to turn my frown upside down :)

POSITIVE VIBES:


-My nephew Ben is the cutest thing on the planet.  I wish I could play with him all day.  That's what I have to look forward to with this guy!  Megh and Brad's story is a ray of hope in my life.  I love them so much and am so so so grateful for them.

-Most mommas have multiple children, which means that all this crap must be worth it.

-My husband is the sweetest, most loving and caring person alive.  He loves me so much and puts up with all my crazy emotions and just comforts me, and he works so hard to take care of our family.  It boggles my mind every day how I wound up with such and incredible man to share my life with.

-My family and in-laws are so sweet and loving and supportive.  And I hate how far away they all are, but at least we have modern technology so we can be in contact instantly even if it's not face to face.

-I have such incredible friends that I love so dearly and they just brighten up my life!

-I have a piano that I can play any time I want and I love it so much.

-I have the best job in the world.  I LOVE teaching.

-We are so blessed to be financially stable enough to buy the essentials our baby will need when he is born.  That has always been a worry of mine, so we set aside money a long time ago to make sure we would be okay and I am so grateful we are.

-I have chocolate in my cupboard :)

-December will get here fast because of the holidays and baby showers and preparations.

-I got wonderful happy emails and texts from friends and family today and am so grateful to be surrounded by such wonderful people!



And I'm grateful for my Positive Vibes!  If we remember to focus on the blessings in our lives, we will be able to get through anything and be happy :)